Perspective

A few weeks ago I did that post about Taylor Swift and the song she wrote for that little boy who died of cancer. Ronan. After hearing that song, I joined about a million people and began reading his mother's blog about his battle for cancer. His mom started right at the beginning when he was diagnosed, and is still blogging now. She started it in August 2010 and he died in May 2011, 3 days before his fourth birthday. I cannot stop reading it. After he died she began writing to her son, rather than to her readers and had about 1 million viewers. After Taylor Swift wrote that song, that number more than doubled. It's been heartbreaking to read, and I've litterally cried while reading it. However, doing so has given me such a new perspective on life. I know I sort of mentioned it in that last post I did, but I've now taken Maya's (blog writer) perspective in things, and not just with my son, or my family. For example, we live on a one way street, so we have to put our garbage cans all on one side so when the truck comes to pick them up, they only drive down once. Well this is across the street for us, right in front of our neighbors house and every week, after the truck comes, they take our garbage can. I know this because I have to walk clear over almost to the house next to them to get the other can. So every week we trade garbage cans. This used to drive me crazy, to the point where I considered going into their driveway and just taking the garbage can that we put out. Why? Why did this bother me so much? Such a stupid, petty little thing. We still have a can to put garbage in all week, who cares if it's not the same one I put out, and I have to walk a few extra steps to get a can? These are the things Maya sees every day. All of the things that don't matter that we make into big deals. No judgement, we meaning me and my family. Since reading this blog, I've paid so much more attention to details. I watch Kallan when he has no idea I'm watching him, just to see him move, and breathe, and play. I watch him be alive. I don't know what I would do if he ever got sick. I don't know how people who've gone through something like that have done it. He's almost 18 months and super busy, which I love, but it also makes times when he holds still really rare. Today I had a list of things to do to get ready for us to go to Disneyland this weekend, but when his favorite movie was on, he reached up for me to hold him and we sat and cuddled on the couch for over half an hour. Priceless time. I played with his hair the entire time. His beautiful little curls that Buck wants me to cut off, but I can't bring myself to do it. I closed my eyes and listened to him breathe, and let his little hands play with mine. This is all stuff that I used to do with him before, but now, like I said, details. I focus on every little detail. Even with Buck I find myself more focused on things that I've never taken time to notice. Material things barely seem to matter anymore to me. I mean, they're important, and we need most of them, but do I really need to get so upset that my toddler has splattered his milk over him, the floor, and the furniture for the fourth time? Nope. I'm just grateful he's healthy and happy enough to be making messes. I walked into the bathroom today to him standing by the toliet, lid up, as he was dipping his little fore-finger into the toilet water and then sucking the water off in his mouth, saying, "Mmmmm" in his little high-pitched voice every time. Don't worry, I stopped him right away but instead of getting mad at him, I just stiffled a laugh because he acted like it was so yummy. Ha, gross.
Some nights, it takes two hours for him to fall asleep, and this used to drive me crazy because I felt like it cut into my personal time. Don't get me wrong, I know how important personal time is for us moms, but now I don't get angry on the nights that it takes so long. He needed me more tonight and that's okay. I can have my time tomorrow. I just find myself more grateful, rather than frustrated and angry. I still have to discipline him so he learns right from wrong, but I don't get as angry, or upset with him. Kallan loves to go outside. I always would tell him no, or only go out for a little while because I didn't want to go sit outside. Maya would slap me if she knew, ha, because she'd give anything to be able to take her son outside and gladly ignore the household chores. Now we go outside everyday for a little while and I just sit and watch how everything about his little world makes him so happy, and curious. I've loved everything about being a mom since the day I got pregnant. I even loved my pregnancy. But I'm so grateful for this newfound perspective that I was fortunate to gain, without losing my baby. Maya wasn't so fortunate, and I'm so grateful to her for teaching me this and for opening my eyes to the fact that, life is beautiful. Life is such a gift, and I don't intend to wasted it being angry or upset at things that don't really even matter. It's such a relief too. I feel so much lighter. Letting so much just roll off my back, I find it so much simpler and happier to just be home and be with my son, doing regular mom things. I used to stress about getting every little thing on my list done, and if I didn't, then it felt like the day was a waste and I felt grumpy and exhausted. Now, I start the day with so much love and excitement to be with my baby that, household chores get done with ease. And if something gets missed or not done, I don't have the anxiety I used to, because it was missed for a good reason, and there's always tomorrow. I know I need to be careful and I'm not saying I've giving up on doing everything and I'm procrastinating things, I'm just saying that I know what's most important, and that makes everything else come easier. I go to bed at night feeling acomplished and proud and happy, knowing my baby is fed, warm, dry, and snoozing cozily in his crib and can't wait to see his face the next morning. I know I've said it so many times, but I really don't know how I got so lucky, and so blessed. I'm so grateful for our happiness, and our health. For those of you who want to, you can check out her blog. www.rockstarronan.com. Thank you Maya, for teaching me something so important through your horriffic life changing event.